My
screenplays Loonatoona and Mate For Life are Official Selections in the 2017 Milledgeville Film Festival.
Update: Now Semi-Finalists.
Update: Now Semi-Finalists.
info
Loonatoona: Australian Surreal Absurd Fantasy Comedy Screenplay by Shockadelic
Loonatoona : Surreal, Schizo, Strayan (and a little Sex) What if Monty Python had made Muriel's Wedding? Hello....
Tuesday, 28 February 2017
Saturday, 18 February 2017
Sunday, 12 February 2017
Feedback TMFF The Monthly Film Festival
I paid for feedback from TMFF The Monthly Film Festival for Loonatoona. Here it is:
"turns it up to eleven"
"more bizarre than it should have been"
"the strange tone and bizarre story"
"highly intellectual without seeming so"
"incredibly original"
"unreal but hilarious elements"
"The script is creative"
"kind of confusing and definitely weird"
"Loonatoona – TMFF Feedback
Loonatoona is a slapstick comedy exploring the natural outlandish qualities Australia seems to have when viewed from the outside and turns it up to eleven by adding even more bizarre elements to build a general sense of surrealism that makes it easier to be open minded and receptive to the jokes in the script.
The story seems to take the concept too far and becomes more bizarre than it should have been, particularly since the more ridiculous the story gets the harder it is for it to deliver its message, which seems to be one of tolerance based on the fact that normality is nothing but a perception that can change from person to person and region to region, the script basically shows the daily struggles of the 5 members of a “regular” Australian family as they deal with problems that seem alien to us but normal to them, like the father working in a government subsidized rabbit costume dispensary, the mother having an affair with a possibly imaginary cowboy or their daughter nonchalantly engaging in a personal project that consists of taking pictures of her friend´s sexual escapades. The script has a serious flaw though; the comedic style is simplistic and more geared towards children or very young people, but the tone is undeniably adult, with swearing, nudity and adult situations abounding, which brings up the question: will the script manage to entertain its intended target? It remains to be seen but in general is not bad, only that perhaps the author should rethink the way in which the comedic payload is delivered.
It is quite hard to judge the characters since they are very strange and flawed but they seem to be so on purpose not only for comedic value but also as a way to drive home the general message of the story. They usually find themselves in surreal situations, often by their own hand, and deal with them in even more alien ways. They aren´t incredibly annoying or upsetting but it´s also impossible to build any rapport with them.
The dialogue is highly localized with many phrases being typical to the Australian speech and is also full of references to sayings, products, legends and other elements familiar to Australians but not for the general audience. Saying that is badly written would be an injustice, but it has to be mentioned that is highly alienating and can get difficult to understand for anyone not familiar with the “aussie” speech.
Producing a comedy like this one is a risky business given the strange tone and bizarre story the script is telling, and the fact that the humor is mainly based on exploiting the ridiculousness of the situations in which the characters find themselves, this is a typical slapstick comedy that still finds it possible to remain highly intellectual without seeming so. Thus having a lot of value hidden under the guise of a generic script, such a complicated outlook makes it hard to predict its actual commerciality.
The script is incredibly original even if some of the humor is highly referential and depends on the audience having knowledge about certain other movies and literary sources. Those references are tweaked enough to make them fairly unique and to adapt them into the script.
Through the lens of intergalactic observance and the inclusion of some unreal but hilarious elements the author shows what seems to be an outlandish family and the equally shocking country where they live, delivering a simple but effective message; normality is all but an illusion, morality is a social construct and the values that some may hold as essential may be optional for others. It is a message about understanding one another and realizing that simply because something feels strange doesn´t mean it´s bad.
The script is creative and the humor may be enough to elicit laughter out of many, but the overall plot is kind of confusing and definitely weird. It is one of those comedies where people need to turn their brains off and embrace the bizarre imagery in order to enjoy it."
Saturday, 11 February 2017
2017 Mountain Film Festival: Winner
My screenplay Loonatoona is a 2017 Sir Edmund Hillary Award Winner in the screenplay competition in the Mountain Film Festival.
Monday, 6 February 2017
Finalist: TMFF The Monthly Film Festival
My screenplay Loonatoona is an Official Selection in the December/January Edition in the TMFF - The Monthly Film Festival
Update: Loonatoona is now a Finalist.
Update: Loonatoona is now a Finalist.
Sacramento International Film Festival Semi-Finalist
All four of my screenplays (Loonatoona, Mate For Life, Superpsycho, Another Day At The Circus) are Semi-Finalists in the Sacramento International Film Festival.
Monday, 23 January 2017
Loonatoona 1.6 Fox S-S-S-Single Bed
To celebrate the addition of Madhouse Movies and Top Indie Film Awards, I made a new promo video for Loonatoona.
Update: At the time I made this video, Boomtown Film and Music Festival had officially notified me, through Filmfreeway, that I was a semi-finalist.
Over a month later, they claim that was a "mistake" and Loonatoona was not accepted.
Update: At the time I made this video, Boomtown Film and Music Festival had officially notified me, through Filmfreeway, that I was a semi-finalist.
Over a month later, they claim that was a "mistake" and Loonatoona was not accepted.
Sunday, 22 January 2017
Monday, 9 January 2017
Top Indie Film Awards: Nominee (Best Feature Script)
My screenplay Loonatoona is a Nominee (i.e. Finalist) for Best Feature Script in the 2016 Top Indie Film Awards.
Saturday, 17 December 2016
Loonatoona 1.5 Respectable Mel & Kim
To celebrate the addition of Reel Authors Screenplay Contest (Semi-Finalist) and LS&B Comedy Writing Contest (Official Selection), here's a new promo video for Loonatoona, featuring Respectable by Mel & Kim.
This song should be recorded by Spiderbait for the film's closing credits!
Monday, 12 December 2016
Reel Authors Screenplay Contest: Semi-Finalist (Comedy/RomCom)
My screenplay Loonatoona is a Semi-Finalist (Comedy/RomCom) in the 2016 Reel Authors Screenplay Contest.
Wednesday, 30 November 2016
Monday, 7 November 2016
Superpsycho screenplay: fun, clever, rejected
Despite calling it "fun" (five times), "clever" (twice) and "so close from
becoming a classic", the Fan Fiction Festival has not accepted
Superpsycho. Go figure.
Here are their
feedback notes.
"Hi Shockadelic
Thank you for your submission to the Writing Festival. Here is the feedback on your submission. The committee has noted that your story is not yet ready to be performed at our festival. If you like to resubmit, please email us back whenever you're ready and we'll have you submit for 30% off the regular submission.
Superpsycho is a fun crossover between the universe of Superman and that of Alfred Hitchcock’s Psycho. Martin Crane, a man on the lamb, checks in to a quiet motel but he is perturbed by the strange behaviour of its handsome proprietor Clark Kent. How will Martin cope when things start going bump in the night?
There is a lot of lighthearted fun in this script, poking fun at the original source materials in a clever way. I especially liked the twist on the voyeur scene in Psycho in which Norman Bates spies on Marion through a hole in the wall whereas Clark Kent uses his xray vision to spy on Martin in his room, sometimes unwillingly. The homoerotic, irreverent take on the original texts was clever and fun in tone.
The blood/red hair dye twist felt a bit obvious overall but the moment of Martin washing it off his hands was nice, even it did confuse the roles slightly. Since the plot follows Psycho, even using a lot of lines from the film, it would be better to stick to Martin as Marion and Clark as Norman, unless you are saying something specific by changing it. Perhaps Clark/Waldo could get the dye on his hands while spying on Martin in the shower?
On that moment, it felt like it lacked something. Obviously the shower scene is so iconic that it has to be used in a parody such as this but it felt like a repetition of the earlier voyeur moment of Clark spying on Martin. The underlying current of this short is sexual tension but while the shower scene is more intrusive than the xray vision, it’s still just voyeurism. Something more needs to happen in his interaction maybe Martin is horrified at first but then thinks what the hell and invites Clark/Waldo in? This could be a fun visual moment with the red hair dye staining the suit and the bath, etc.
There are a couple of small details in this short that may need changing; firstly I’m not sure an outline of a knife would be visible underneath Martin’s jeans. As it is a key set up for a pay off later in the film, perhaps Martin could actually visibly put it there or take it out to check it. Secondly, while I like the play on Marion to Martin Crane, all I could think about was Frasier, though Marty Crane doesn’t quite work as well, it may avoid this confusion. It might be worth asking a few other people if they had this issue before you make any changes.
This script is a lot of fun but it felt a little like a repetition of Psycho with not enough changed in order to keep an audience engaged. This is the start of a really fun take on a classic but it can be pushed further in almost every scene and particularly the ending in order to make it different and really capitalize on the humor. This script is so close from becoming a classic.
Please let us know your thoughts on your feedback. Always want to make sure that each writer is satisfied with their notes to ready them for their next draft."
Saturday, 5 November 2016
Screenplay Finalist US Hollywood International Film Festival
My screenplay Loonatoona is now a Finalist in the 2016 US Hollywood International Film Festival (oddly, they have no laurel for this).
Thursday, 27 October 2016
Wednesday, 12 October 2016
Winner: Best Written Screenplay 2016 StoneFair International Film Festival
Loonatoona was the Winner of Best Written Screenplay at the 2016 StoneFair International Film Festival.
Since I won, I figured I may as well pay the extra ten bucks and get their feedback. Here it is.
Concept 4.5/5
Storyline 3/5
Characters 4/5
Dialogue 4.5/5
Commerciality 2.5/5
Subject’s genuineness 5/5
Array of meanings for the script 4/5
Attractiveness for public 4/5
“StoneFair International Film Festival
Screenplay feedback
*note that each category uses a rating scale from 1 to 5, 1 being the lowest, 5 being the highest
Loonatoona
written by Shockadelic
*Concept: 4.5
‘Loonatoona’ is a truly crazy ride: on the surface, it might look like a completely nonsensical set of sketches, featuring bizarre characters. While it is certainly that and more, most of these scenes are carefully crafted, completely non-PC parodic representations of the monotony and absurdity of day to day life.
Storyline: 3
As said before, the plot is made out of mini sketches, featuring characters from an ordinary family in the Australian town of Loonatoona, and their interactions with others during a normal day of their lives. Ultimately, the entire story arch can be simplified to something like 'husband believes wife is cheating on him, while son does inappropriate things at school, and daughter spends time with friends instead of attending class', but matters are much more complex than at first sight. Every scene has its purpose and underlying theme which it parodies, and the often nonsensical mix of elements characterizing many of the scenes is purposely placed, rather than being simply random. Or, at least this is how it feels.
Characters: 4
Bobby, the family's youngest, attends the last school day before summer holiday kicks in. He doesn't exactly go around causing trouble, like Lambing, one of his classmates, does; however, he has a number of strange fetishes, as well as a constant urge to have sex with other boys. His big sister, Miranda, ditches school in favor of spending most of her time with her best friends, smoking weed and wandering around aimlessly in their truck. Bazza is the typical corporate man, working a 9 to 5 job: his day is ruined not by a customer coming to have his rabbit suit repaired whilst wearing it and nothing else, but by the constantly ramifying allegations that his wife is cheating with a cowboy. This is partly true, as Susan does get rather charmed by the aforementioned cowboy character while on her shopping run, with whom she goes for a swim, alongside Rex, her pet koala. The four main characters, as well as the extensive set of supporting ones, are over-the-top, engage in strange actions and conversations, which might not seem that dubious on second thought- once one realizes just how stereotypical their representations are (in a good way), everything might not seem as chaotically impossible as it first looked.
Dialogue: 4.5
The dialogues are a big success of the screenplay. Besides the fact that most of the lines and conversations are incredibly funny, a lot of them inappropriately so, with frequent puns and references to pop culture, there is a heavy dose of irony in the manner in which they are delivered. Even though the film deals with themes such as underage gay oral sex at school, or the principal who locks himself in his office to masturbate in peace for hours in the wake of a huge hard-on he got whilst spanking a 17-year-old boy for calling him “a wanker”, all swear words without exception are censored by loud ambient noises. Moreover, when the content of some characters' dialogue is anticipated, repeated or simply meaningless, the film uses variations on 'yabba yabba' to suggest this.
Commerciality: 2.5
The commercial appeal of ‘Loonatoona’ is a debatable subject. First of all, the rather chaotic, absurd nature of most of the events, as well as the extreme sexualization of most of the scenes (although no bad language or explicit content is actually shown) might be off-putting for some. Secondly, quite a number of the film's jokes, puns or visual representations are of Australian social matters, firms or other particularities, which means that an international audience might at times be left guessing when faced with a very context-specific moment.
Subject’s genuineness: 5
Despite being ultimately a parody of daily life in a small Australian town, the screenplay manages to feel extremely fresh and novel in its approach. Everything from the way the characters are built and developed, the inappropriate, politically incorrect scenes, as well as a few gimmicks utilized (such as sound effects/music from popular productions such as Hitchcock's ‘Psycho’, ‘The Twilight Zone’ or ‘Doctor Who’, or the 'telepathic' manner in which some of the characters placed in entirely different scenes communicate with each other in real time) is very genuine and gives the whole project a special atmosphere which sets it completely apart.
Array of meanings for the script: 4
Some of the elements of the script do indeed feel purposely random, such as people eating cereal with tomato juice, meat pies with whipped cream on top, or having a pet koala, many scenes have actual substance. ‘Loonatoona’ often parodies otherwise banal, cliché events such as birthdays (called “unbirthdays”), taking the perfect family photo, or the group of men hungrily gazing at the hot office girl- and does all these in an intelligent way. The gossip society, whose leader, Mrs. Grimsteynes has 781 voice messages on her phone at one point, perfectly encapsulates a widespread reality. Instead of singing the national anthem ‘God Save the Queen’ at school, a song by Abba is played instead, which at least contains the name of the country, as opposed to the former. The TV show which Bobby is watching at one point makes fun of typical stereotypes in the film industry, namely how the antagonist, after having captured the hero, takes a long time to articulate his goals and makes a condescending speech, often giving the hero the time needed to retort and thwart his plans. All of these and many more are scenes oozing with delicious underlying contexts, serving as a criticism of today's society and culture. As an entirely subjective matter, it's a shame that the author didn't also have a poke at religion.
Attractiveness for public: 4
Making sense out of this project is a difficult task, as it might seem very content-rich and enjoyable for some, while others might see it as complete nonsense. A sort of combination between an early Coen brothers work (such as ‘Raising Arizona’) and a Lynchian ‘Twin Peaks’, but at the other end of the spectrum, mixed in with a specifically Australian flavor, is a good way to describe this project, or at least parts of it. As for a videogame comparison, one could say that ‘Loonatoona’ is the Australian equivalent of the ‘Postal’ series. Depending on the open-mindedness of the audience, it should be a “love it or hate it” affair.”
Since I won, I figured I may as well pay the extra ten bucks and get their feedback. Here it is.
Concept 4.5/5
Storyline 3/5
Characters 4/5
Dialogue 4.5/5
Commerciality 2.5/5
Subject’s genuineness 5/5
Array of meanings for the script 4/5
Attractiveness for public 4/5
“StoneFair International Film Festival
Screenplay feedback
*note that each category uses a rating scale from 1 to 5, 1 being the lowest, 5 being the highest
Loonatoona
written by Shockadelic
*Concept: 4.5
‘Loonatoona’ is a truly crazy ride: on the surface, it might look like a completely nonsensical set of sketches, featuring bizarre characters. While it is certainly that and more, most of these scenes are carefully crafted, completely non-PC parodic representations of the monotony and absurdity of day to day life.
Storyline: 3
As said before, the plot is made out of mini sketches, featuring characters from an ordinary family in the Australian town of Loonatoona, and their interactions with others during a normal day of their lives. Ultimately, the entire story arch can be simplified to something like 'husband believes wife is cheating on him, while son does inappropriate things at school, and daughter spends time with friends instead of attending class', but matters are much more complex than at first sight. Every scene has its purpose and underlying theme which it parodies, and the often nonsensical mix of elements characterizing many of the scenes is purposely placed, rather than being simply random. Or, at least this is how it feels.
Characters: 4
Bobby, the family's youngest, attends the last school day before summer holiday kicks in. He doesn't exactly go around causing trouble, like Lambing, one of his classmates, does; however, he has a number of strange fetishes, as well as a constant urge to have sex with other boys. His big sister, Miranda, ditches school in favor of spending most of her time with her best friends, smoking weed and wandering around aimlessly in their truck. Bazza is the typical corporate man, working a 9 to 5 job: his day is ruined not by a customer coming to have his rabbit suit repaired whilst wearing it and nothing else, but by the constantly ramifying allegations that his wife is cheating with a cowboy. This is partly true, as Susan does get rather charmed by the aforementioned cowboy character while on her shopping run, with whom she goes for a swim, alongside Rex, her pet koala. The four main characters, as well as the extensive set of supporting ones, are over-the-top, engage in strange actions and conversations, which might not seem that dubious on second thought- once one realizes just how stereotypical their representations are (in a good way), everything might not seem as chaotically impossible as it first looked.
Dialogue: 4.5
The dialogues are a big success of the screenplay. Besides the fact that most of the lines and conversations are incredibly funny, a lot of them inappropriately so, with frequent puns and references to pop culture, there is a heavy dose of irony in the manner in which they are delivered. Even though the film deals with themes such as underage gay oral sex at school, or the principal who locks himself in his office to masturbate in peace for hours in the wake of a huge hard-on he got whilst spanking a 17-year-old boy for calling him “a wanker”, all swear words without exception are censored by loud ambient noises. Moreover, when the content of some characters' dialogue is anticipated, repeated or simply meaningless, the film uses variations on 'yabba yabba' to suggest this.
Commerciality: 2.5
The commercial appeal of ‘Loonatoona’ is a debatable subject. First of all, the rather chaotic, absurd nature of most of the events, as well as the extreme sexualization of most of the scenes (although no bad language or explicit content is actually shown) might be off-putting for some. Secondly, quite a number of the film's jokes, puns or visual representations are of Australian social matters, firms or other particularities, which means that an international audience might at times be left guessing when faced with a very context-specific moment.
Subject’s genuineness: 5
Despite being ultimately a parody of daily life in a small Australian town, the screenplay manages to feel extremely fresh and novel in its approach. Everything from the way the characters are built and developed, the inappropriate, politically incorrect scenes, as well as a few gimmicks utilized (such as sound effects/music from popular productions such as Hitchcock's ‘Psycho’, ‘The Twilight Zone’ or ‘Doctor Who’, or the 'telepathic' manner in which some of the characters placed in entirely different scenes communicate with each other in real time) is very genuine and gives the whole project a special atmosphere which sets it completely apart.
Array of meanings for the script: 4
Some of the elements of the script do indeed feel purposely random, such as people eating cereal with tomato juice, meat pies with whipped cream on top, or having a pet koala, many scenes have actual substance. ‘Loonatoona’ often parodies otherwise banal, cliché events such as birthdays (called “unbirthdays”), taking the perfect family photo, or the group of men hungrily gazing at the hot office girl- and does all these in an intelligent way. The gossip society, whose leader, Mrs. Grimsteynes has 781 voice messages on her phone at one point, perfectly encapsulates a widespread reality. Instead of singing the national anthem ‘God Save the Queen’ at school, a song by Abba is played instead, which at least contains the name of the country, as opposed to the former. The TV show which Bobby is watching at one point makes fun of typical stereotypes in the film industry, namely how the antagonist, after having captured the hero, takes a long time to articulate his goals and makes a condescending speech, often giving the hero the time needed to retort and thwart his plans. All of these and many more are scenes oozing with delicious underlying contexts, serving as a criticism of today's society and culture. As an entirely subjective matter, it's a shame that the author didn't also have a poke at religion.
Attractiveness for public: 4
Making sense out of this project is a difficult task, as it might seem very content-rich and enjoyable for some, while others might see it as complete nonsense. A sort of combination between an early Coen brothers work (such as ‘Raising Arizona’) and a Lynchian ‘Twin Peaks’, but at the other end of the spectrum, mixed in with a specifically Australian flavor, is a good way to describe this project, or at least parts of it. As for a videogame comparison, one could say that ‘Loonatoona’ is the Australian equivalent of the ‘Postal’ series. Depending on the open-mindedness of the audience, it should be a “love it or hate it” affair.”
Monday, 10 October 2016
Best Screenplay award winner StoneFair International Film Festival.
Loonatoona was the Winner of Best Written Screenplay at the 2016 StoneFair International Film Festival.
Since I won, I figured I may as well pay the extra ten bucks and get their feedback. Here are the highlights.
Concept 4.5/5
Storyline 3/5
Characters 4/5
Dialogue 4.5/5
Commerciality 2.5/5
Subject’s genuineness 5/5
Array of meanings for the script 4/5
Attractiveness for public 4/5
“a truly crazy ride”
“carefully crafted”
“completely non-PC”
“much more complex than at first sight”
“Every scene has its purpose”
“the often nonsensical mix of elements... is purposely placed”
“characters... are over-the-top”
"everything might not seem as chaotically impossible as it first looked"
“The dialogues are a big success of the screenplay”
“incredibly funny”
“The commercial appeal... is a debatable subject”
“the rather chaotic, absurd nature”
“the extreme sexualization... (although no... explicit content is actually shown) might be off-putting”
“Australian [jokes]... an international audience might at times be left guessing”
“extremely fresh and novel”
“Everything... is very genuine”
“Everything... is very genuine”
“a special atmosphere which sets it completely apart”
“parodies... in an intelligent way”
“oozing with delicious underlying contexts”
“very content-rich and enjoyable”
“others might see it as complete nonsense”
“others might see it as complete nonsense”
“A sort of combination between an early Coen brothers work... and a Lynchian ‘Twin Peaks’... mixed in with a specifically Australian flavor”
“a 'love it or hate it' affair”
Saturday, 8 October 2016
Tuesday, 4 October 2016
Official Selection: 2016 US Hollywood International Film Festival
My screenplay Loonatoona is an Official Selection in the 2016 US Hollywood International Film Festival.
Update: Loonatoona is now a Finalist (oddly, they have no laurel for this).
Wednesday, 28 September 2016
Monday, 26 September 2016
Award-winning comedy screenplay winner
Loonatoona is an award-winning surreal
comedy screenplay by Australian writer Shockadelic.
Winner:
StoneFair International Film Festival
Semi-Finalist:
Comedy Film & Screenplay Festival
Los Angeles CineFest
Official
Selection:
Auckland International Film Festival
Auckland International Film Festival
Chandler
International Film Festival
Headline International Film Festival
Hollywood Boulevard Film Festival
Lake Charles Film & Music Festival
Neu World International Film Festival
Oaxaca FilmFest
Wayfarer Film Festival
Saturday, 24 September 2016
Winner: Best Screenplay 2016 StoneFair International Film Festival
My
screenplay Loonatoona is the WINNER of Best Written Screenplay at the 2016 StoneFair International Film Festival!
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Wednesday, 21 September 2016
Monday, 19 September 2016
Saturday, 10 September 2016
Wednesday, 7 September 2016
Official Selection: 2016 Oaxaca FilmFest
My screenplay Loonatoona has been accepted as an Official Selection in the 2016 Oaxaca FilmFest (Global Script Challenge - Comedy).
https://www.oaxacafilmfest.com/p/loonatoona
https://www.oaxacafilmfest.com/p/loonatoona
26 to 1 against and falling!
Saturday, 27 August 2016
FEEDBACK: Slamdance Screenwriting Competition 2016
"Marx-Brothers-on-LSD"
Here is Slamdance Screenwriting Competition's brief feedback (provided for all Slamdance entrants):
"FEEDBACK: Slamdance Screenwriting Competition 2016 - Feedback
Below is your feedback for the 2016 Slamdance Screenplay Competition. Every entrant receives a few lines of feedback from the first reader to review the work. The feedback includes a logline, genre suggestion and brief feedback to the writer. For more extensive feedback, please consider our coverage service, available for an additional fee. This feedback is not an indication of how well your script is doing in our competition. We will not make those decisions until we prepare to announce our finalists in September/October, 2016. No response is needed to this feedback.
TITLE OF SCREENPLAY: Loonatoona
GENRE: Comedy
LOGLINE: A typical day in the life of a most atypical family.
SHORT FEEDBACK: You clearly demonstrate a wickedly psychedelic imagination and a nice Marx-Brothers-on-LSD aesthetic that works-to a point. The problem with your gags is that you cannot rely upon them to carry a feature film. Ultimately, the reader still wants you to get around to telling a compelling story. In this script, you make things even harder by shifting between four narrative threads (Susan, Bazza, Miranda, Bobby) so that the viewer no sooner gets comfortable with one story than you take him or her to the next. Also, this script might be a hard sell on the international film market, which (unfairly) tends to discourage thick Australian slang and dialogue."
Saturday, 20 August 2016
Official Selection: Wayfarer Film Festival
My screenplay Loonatoona has been accepted as an Official Selection in the 2016 Wayfarer Film Festival.
Saturday, 13 August 2016
Official Selection: Neu World International Film Festival
My screenplay Loonatoona has been accepted as an Official Selection in the 2016 Neu World International Film Festival.
Wednesday, 27 July 2016
Crazy! Witty! Frantic! Comedy screenplay semi-finalist
"a fast paced, witty comedy"
"an infectious sense of energy and fun"
"an energetic pace"
"an enjoyable, frantic ride, with a good deal of wit and charm"
Loonatoona is a semi-finalist in the 2016 Comedy Film & Screenplay Festival
Here are their feedback notes:
"Thank you for your submission to the Comedy Writing Festival. Here is the feedback on your submission.
SPECIAL NOTE: This script is very close. It just needs a bit of a cleanup and one more solid draft. If the writer would like to resubmit the entire script for more feedback, we will give you 30% off the regular submission,
Currently, we like to perform a best scene of your script for a performance reading at our festival. Please reply and attach a file of the best scene of your script to be performed (up to 7 pages). Then we'll set up a reading in early Fall and email you as soon as it's posted online.
LOONATOONA by Shockadelic
In the small Australian town of Loonatoona, a family readies themselves for a crazy, but not entirely atypical, day. Father Bazza experiences the daily office grind, whilst his wife Susan has a charged encounter with a Cowboy, free spirit Miranda heads out on a day with her liberal friends and young sexually curious Bobby gets into trouble at school. While Bazza avoids the temptations of office squeeze, Shazza, his suspicions rise regarding Susan's behaviour. Susan brings the kids home, along with Bobby's friend, Oscar, and then out to the local pool, whilst Miranda's friends all end up hopelessly lost. Bazza finally confronts Susan about her assumed transgressions, and the pair manage to reconcile. The day comes to a close, with the whole family reflecting and eagerly awaiting tomorrow's adventures, even if the whole situation has been utterly confusing to alien observers.
Loonatoona is a fast paced, witty comedy, juggling numerous character strands to create an infectious sense of energy and fun throughout the script. Whilst it's enjoyable seeing what each family member gets up to on their own, it's equally gratifying watching the moments where the strands intertwine and the familial relationships come to the forefront. The script is populated with a largely memorable supporting cast too, with characters like the unquestionably frustrated Principal Walker leaving a strong impression in their brief roles within the overall screenplay. There's a good deal of wit to the dialogue exchanges, although the most enjoyable humor predominantly comes from gags subverting narrative structures and conventions, such as the numerous brief cutaways and the recurring joke of the alarm masking characters swearing.
There are, however, some areas for improvement within the overall script, unfortunately. The biggest issue is that the sporadic nature of the story is lacking a clear end goal or drive to make the narrative compelling if we're just watching another day in these character's lives, then why this one? Ultimately, you need to take more time to establish early on what this day is building towards, otherwise the scenes feel too much like disconnected skits without any real bearing upon one another. The clearest narrative point in your current version is the marriage drama between Susan and Bazza, when this would arguably be better suited to an emotional subplot working alongside a clearer external conflict or event transpiring throughout the day. Some scenes are simply too short to make an impact of their own, let alone act as a dynamic cutaway gag, and don't further the story enough to warrant inclusion. Each time these short moments stunt the pace of your script, we're often left without a clear indication of their relevance, so really take time to consider which story strands are working well (Susan and Bobby's are the strongest), and which aren't pulling their weight (Miranda's feels a little too directionless). Dialogue is generally strong throughout the script but would stand to benefit from further attention in some areas. It currently feels like the supporting characters, e.g. Principal Walker and Cowboy, have clearer dialogue "voices" than that of our family leads. Their behaviours and storylines may set them apart from one another, but it's through their dialogue voice that we're going to get the best sense of who these people are, and what makes each one of them truly unique. Really consider each character's choice of words, tone of delivery, how long their thought processes are, etc. Aside from this, there are occasions where you can afford to cut down on filler lines or pieces of dialogue that essentially repeat variations of points we've already seen or heard before. There's an energetic pace to the execution of the story, so it really can stick out whenever dialogue conversations either outstay their welcome or fail to bring much to the overall story. The repeating "blah blah blah" / "yabba yabba yabba", etc. dialogue gag feels a little tired after each iteration too, as it feels like a missed opportunity for having these specific characters saying something inherently unique and witty.
In between the longer stretches of dialogue, it's important not to neglect visuals in scene directions too. Having your characters doing more, either a tangential action or body language reactions, not only gives us more to watch, but opens up the potential for subtextual gags. In several instances, the quick cutaway scenes suffer from not received the appropriate amount of visual scene set up, making the dialogue too intangible to visualize on screen. Avoid including camera direction as this only serves to pull us out of your story (and ultimately would be down to a director or cinematographer anyway), although feel free to imply how it's shot based on how you frame the action (the same goes for "we see..." and it's variations it's ultimately redundant). Some scenes seem too preoccupied with establishing locations through vague characters and stock footage, rather than actually show us where our characters are within the scene, let alone their actions and reactions. Your regular omissions of definite and indefinite articles (i.e. "the" and "a") often stunts the flow of the description too (lines like "They turn corner" are just a little too jarring). Keep your directions unfolding in real time (how do they get from walking down the stairs to immediately frolicking in the pool?) and ensure they correlate to explicit visuals that are apparent on screen (e.g. "Bobby has been sent to COUNSELLOR (woman 40) for advice" is not only past tense description, but simply tells the reader the information without making it clear how an audience watching will know this in this moment).
Loonatoona is an enjoyable, frantic ride, with a good deal of wit and charm to the characters. The overall script, however, is lacking the necessary narrative drive to make it feel like any more than a series of vignettes, tied together loosely as a plot. With a little more polish though, this script could certainly do very well."
Update: There is now a script reading video of my "best scene".
Sunday, 3 July 2016
Headline International Film Festival Official Selection
My screenplay Loonatoona has been accepted as an Official Selection in the 2016 Headline International Film Festival.
My first Official Selection! ARRRRRRRRRGHHH!
My first Official Selection! ARRRRRRRRRGHHH!
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